7 lock-down portraiture by Jyoti Shrestha

Lockdown feels like a challenge to me, to click more pictures.

I love photographs and this time, I’ve been trying to click what’s around me.

I also gave workshop on ’10 things to photograph at home’ and currently working for a project based on menstrual hygience.  Rest of the time, I’m busy with my Master’s online classes and assignments. Here are my 7 photos that you can also relate to yourself during this locked-down days.

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Jyoti Shrestha is working and living in Kathmandu, Nepal. Social Work Graduate and doing her Masters in Entrepreneurship, she likes storytelling through photographs whether its a personal project or a gig. Until now, Shrestha exhibited in Kaalo 101, Nepal Communitere, and Photo Circle.

Follow her works on Behance.net/ztstha or ztstha on Instagram

All Photos copyrighted to Jyoti Shrestha.

 

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One day, will it disappear like a miracle?

My lockdown started from 23 May, a day before the official lockdown started. We were already going under self – isolation and had decided to work from home until the situation of COVID-19 calms down. I wasn’t really happy with the decision as I didn’t have much to do staying at home and I knew that I would be doing more of my household work instead of my office work. But we didn’t have any other choice. I didn’t take the lockdown that seriously, not in the sense that this virus is not dangerous but I wasn’t expecting millions of deaths in the world. It is really disappointing to see the so called leaders doing absolutely nothing other than talking bullshits and expanding this lockdown and having no plans on what to do next. It’s really hard to avoid news about corona virus and it’s information as it has flooded the internet.

“It is not a good quality for a woman to get up after the sun rises”

My lockdown days started like every other day. I would get up, do puja, cook, eat and do the dishes. I would have some free time but then I was too confused on what to do as I had only a couple of hours for myself and I would have to start making dinner again. We have 6 cows and my mum is busy working in the cowshed, my dad gets busy with gardening and farm work. I am the only one left at home. I started drawing, gardening and planting flowers, whenever I was free. Watching movies and listening to music has always been the thing I do while working and they’ve been very helpful for me to get engaged with the works.

Art by : James Jean
Art by : James Jean

Getting up early has always been one of the most difficult things for me and unfortunately my parents hate it. They keep scolding me for not being able to do puja before the sun rises. “It is not a good quality for a woman to get up after the sun rises”, they always say.

I really don’t understand why traditional Nepali parents don’t think doing puja and cooking as a job. They think it’s something that takes least effort or no effort at all. I spend my whole morning doing this everyday but have never been appreciated for it. It kinda sucks that you spend your time doing something and people don’t even acknowledge it.

My family started treating me bad and verbally abusing me for not being able to work hard. I ended up locking myself in my room for days, not talking with anybody at my home and not working at all. During this lockdown I have been happy, sad, mad, broken, disappointed, depressed, frustrated, excited, lost. In other words, I have felt emotions that I never felt before. I’ve realized how important it is to spend some time with your own self and understand things that other people don’t understand. I’ve been drawing, listening to music, talking with loved ones and walking into nature to revive myself. I fall and I rise and I’m happy that I’ve been able to live my life. I’ve also been feeling lucky that I live in a place where I can breathe fresh air and wake up with the sounds of birds chirping outside my balcony. I also feel lucky to have a family, a family that doesn’t understand me at all, but at least I have a family. I also feel grateful to have someone who loves and supports me and wouldn’t let me go despite my trauma induced stupidity and the chaos that comes with it.

This virus would disappear and of course all the negative viruses in humans if possible.

Having random chats with friends and extended families has also helped me. I also really like having meetings with my colleagues even though internet connection is terrible and  I don’t hear half of the conversations we make. It has been very helpful that we have been able to continue doing some work during this pandemic.

Once I watched one of Trump’s videos where he says,” One day it’ll disappear like a miracle.” I don’t really like him but I really hope this wish comes true, this virus would disappear and of course all the negative viruses in humans if possible. This thing might have brought chaos and turned the world upside down but it has also made us affectionate towards other beings. A lot of us have started empathizing and caring about other people. It is also a shame that we humans have to go through hard times to know how important it is for us to stay together with love and care.

***

 

लकडाउन जीवनले आफू, परिवार, समाज र राज्यलाई चिन्ने अवसर दिएको छ

संसारलाई अत्याउने गरि आएको कोरोना भाईरसले हामी सबैलाई घरको एउटा कोठा भित्र सिमित गरिदिएको छ । आकास्मिक रुपमा सरकारले घोषणा गरेको लकडाउनले गर्दा धेरै व्यक्तिहरुले आफ्नो व्यवस्थापन गर्न अझै पनि सकिरहेका छैनन् । खास गरि घर छोडेर जिविकापार्जनका लागि शहर छिरेका मजदुरहरुको अवस्था, घर फर्कन नसकेकाहरुको वेदना, भारतमा मजदुरी गर्न गएकाहरु यता र उताको लकडाउनको मारमा परेको र विदेशमा पढ्नको लागि गएका बिद्यार्थीहरुको कथा हामीले आफ्नो बन्द कोठामा बसेर पढिरहका छौं ।

विश्व स्वास्थ्य संगठनले स्वास्थ्य संकटकाल घोषणा गरेको यो परिप्रेक्षमा आफू र अरुलाई सुरक्षित राख्नको लागि हामीले आफूलाई घर भित्रको कोठामा सिमित गरिरहेका छौं । यो अवधीमा धेरैले आफूले आफूलाई चिन्ने र आफूलाई अनुशासनमा राख्ने समय हो भनेर भनेको सुन्न र पढिरहेको छु । मानिसका यस्ता अनुभवलाई मैले मेरो जीवनमा फर्केर हेरिरहेकोछु ।

मैले यो अवधीमा आफूले आफैलाई चिन्ने अवसर त पाएँ यो सँगै मेरो आफ्नो परिवार समाजलाई पनि चिन्ने अवसर पाएँ । खास मैले मेरो जीवन, घर परिवार र समाजलाई आजसम्म चिनेको रहेनछु ।

photo-by-gita3म : वास्तवमा आजसम्म मैले आफूलाई अनुशासनमा राख्न सकेको रहेनछु । म बाहिर जति धेरै दिनहरु बिताउन सक्छु । त्यति घरमा समय बिताउन म सक्षम छैन र मलाई आफ्नै घर बन्दि गृह जस्तो हुनेछ भन्ने मैले सोचेकै थिईन । लकडाउनको केहि दिन मलाई रमाईलो लाग्यो । घरमा समय दिन नसकेको र आफ्नो लागि समय नभए जस्तो बल्ल मैले मेरो लागि समय पाए भने जस्तो लागेको थियो । तर बिस्तारै आफै बसेको घर आफूलाई जन्म दिने आमाबुबा आफ्ना साथी भाईहरुसँग घुलमिल हुन नै मलाई आफैसँग संघर्ष गर्नु प¥यो । म यतिसम्म घरबाट टाढा भएको रहिछु कि मलाई केही दिन पछि मलाई मेरो घरको मान्छे नै बढी भए जस्तो लाग्यो । त्यसको परिणाम स्वरुप विस्तारै मलाई रिस उठने, आफूले भनेको कुरा मात्र हुनपर्छ जस्तो धारणा राख्ने, कोहीसँग बोल्न मन नलाग्ने, नखाने र आफूलाई एक्लोपनाको अनुभुति भयो । सबै सकियो जस्तो अनुभुति हुन थाल्यो । तर विस्तारै आफूलाई नै अनुशासनमा राख्ने कोशीस गरेँ वा गर्दैछु । यो बिचमा आफूलाई कसरी व्यवस्थित राख्ने? भनेर केही कोशीसहरु गरँे जस्तै ः कोहीसँग नबोल्ने, आफूलाई कोठामा बन्द गर्ने, किताब पढ्ने, आफूलाई लागेको लेख्ने, फिल्महरु हेर्ने साथीसँग कुरा गर्ने कोरोनाको न्यूज पढ्न बन्द गर्ने । आफूलाई सकेसम्म व्यस्त राख्ने जस्ता कार्यले मलाई कोरोनाको महामारीसँग लड्ने शक्ति दिएको जस्तो लाग्छ ।

photo-by-gita1घरपरिवार, छिमेकी र समाज : यो बिचमा मैले मेरो घर परिवार र समाजलाई अध्ययन गर्ने अवसर पाएको छु । मेरो अध्ययनले पाएको सामाज आफूलाई अनुशासनमा राख्न जति गाह्रो छ, त्यो भन्दा बढी समाज परिवारलाई राख्न गाह्रो छ । सबैको आ—आफ्नो धारणा हुन्छ विचार हुन्छ । जुन कहिल्यै हाम्रो ध्यान नपुगको वा हामीलाई त्यस्ता विषयमा कुरा गर्न समय नभएको विषय — के खाने? कुन फिल्म हेर्ने? जस्तो विषय पनि धेरै सँगै बसेपछि र अन्य काम नभएपछि यस्ता विषयमा छिमेकीमा झगडा भएको देखे । घरमा धेरै व्यक्तिहरुसँगै घर बस्दा घरेलु हिंसा बढेको पनि देखियो । झगडाको विषयः श्रीमानले बाहिरको व्यक्तिहरु ल्याएर तास खेल्ने वा खेल्न जाने, पानीको अभाव, खाना कसले बनाउने?, पैसाको अभाव हुँदै जाने जस्ता विषयले पनि झगडाको विषय बन्ने र यस्ता विषयले ठुलो रुप लिएको देखियो ।

घरको बसाई पत्यार लाग्दो त छ तर बिस्तारै आफूलाई भित्र बन्दि बनाउने बानी पनि परिसकेको छ । यो कैदी जीवनले आफू, परिवार, समाज र राज्यलाई चिन्ने अवसर पनि हो जस्तो लागि राखेको छ ।

***

What will our lives be like after the quarantine gets lifted?

We had heard about the virus in the news. China was largely affected but I personally, wasn’t much concerned or worried about it. I thought it was just a flu and besides the world has amazing scientists we can rely upon. Something will come up, some solution must be out there – was my basic thought process. It didn’t take much time before it began to spread outside of China. Things got even more real when India started to report the cases. Ultimately, we were also in lockdown!

The first few days were rather difficult for me. Everything twisted suddenly after the announcement of the lockdown. I was more concerned about my parents, mother especially, since she is a patient of asthma. To be forced to stay in is rather difficult but I have started to think from a different perspective or at least I try. I began studying and researching about similar cases. Spanish Influenza during 1918. Pandemics happen every once in 100/150 years and take at least a year or more to recover. This made me realize that worrying about it will not help. 

Now I am addicted to my room, either reading, working, studying, or drawing. I have realized that I should not listen to news and keep checking for updates.

I flip every now and then and get anxiety attacks and that’s more like a nightmare. I really don’t like to talk much and even before the lockdown, I was the same in this regard. Now I am addicted to my room, either reading, working, studying, or drawing. I have realized that I should not listen to news and keep checking for updates. That will just make it very difficult for me to deal with the situation. Many times these days, I don’t even think about corona. I just take it as a regular day with my family. My cravings to go out of the house have diminished drastically. I am actually alright being inside. I have set a daily routine. I am more disciplined than I was ever. And, the best part is I have detoxified. No cigarettes and no alcohol for over a month, I finally feel that I can quit smoking. 

I keep in touch with selected friends of mine. Most of them are abroad. We try to keep each other balanced during this whole period by sending texts and memes. Many of my friends who are living alone and living abroad have told me that they are beginning to lose patience.

Lately, my college has started virtual classes and there are tons of assignments given. That keeps me occupied a lot, I have no complaints so far. Sketching is something I started during this period and I cannot put it into words how it had helped me to remain sane.

No matter how much one tries to avoid, it is impossible to stay away from mainstream media and the news posted. News about how our government flipped back and forth on its decision to allow buses to take people back home and ultimately rejecting it, and  how people themselves deliberately decided to walk hundreds of kilometres towards their villages, some even carrying their children. It was almost out of question to read a piece of news without welling up. 

Another major concern I have as a student of Clinical Psychology is that I think people will develop agoraphobia, where some people refuse to leave their homes.

2020-04-24-02Lately, I have been thinking a lot about other concerns about the pandemic. What will our lives be like after the quarantine gets lifted? We will have to work through this “quarantine state of mind” we have adapted to and it will take weeks if not months. I was reading an article where David Spigel, professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at Stanford University said, “ We are training people to see the world as a dangerous place. This invisible enemy could be anywhere.” Interacting with anyone other than the immediate family members won’t be easy, say your interaction with your shopkeeper, bank teller, barber because we now have been trained to view them as potential  carriers. Another major concern I have as a student of Clinical Psychology is that I think people will develop agoraphobia, where some people refuse to leave their homes. Mask was always a major part of our lifestyle but now it will become a wardrobe staple.

***

थाहा छैन त्यो रात उहाँले श्रीमानको पिटाइ खानु भयो कि भएन?

चीनको वुहानबाट फैलिएको कोरोना भाइरस, विश्वका धेरै देशहरुमा फैलिरहेको थियो । मिडिया, अफिस, घर र साथीहरुसंगको गफगाफमा पनि कोरोनाको नै चर्चा थियो । सबैसंगको कुराकानीमा मैले समान प्रतिक्रिया भेटाए, नेपालमा कोरोना भाइरसको संक्रमण भयो भने रोकथाम गर्न निकै ग्राहो हुन्छ । कोरोनाको कारण दिमागमा हल्का डरले एउटा ठाउँ बनाइसकेको थियो । अफिस आउने जाने गर्दा अलिअलि सर्तकता अपनाउन थालिसकेकी थिए । 

चीनमा भाइरसको संक्रमण बढे लगतै नेपालमा मेडिकल मास्कको कालो बजारी शुरू भइसकेको थियो । एकदिन म मेडिकलमा मास्क किन्न क्षेत्रपाटीको हरेक मेडिकल पसलमा गए तर पाइन । पाँच मिनेटको हिडाइपछि एउटा पसलमा गए, त्यहाँ मास्क त पाएँ तर पैसा दोब्बर तिर्नु पर्ने थियो । मैले पसलको दिदीलाई सोधे, अहिले त नेपालमा संक्रमण पनि भएको छैन किन यस्तो महंगो ? उहाँले जवाफ दिनुभएन तर मलाई पहिलाको दाममा नै लग्नुस् भन्नुभयो । एक साझ अफिसबाट घर फर्किदै गर्दा यो कुरा याद आयो । अहिले संक्रमण नहुदा त मास्क यस्तो महंगो भइसक्यो अहिले नै किनेर राख्नुपर्छ भनेर मेडिकल पसल गए तर पाइन । घर नजिकैको पसलमा पाइएला कि भनेर गए, त्यहाँ पनि पाएन । घर जादै गर्दा बाटोमा दाईको छारीले सोधी, नग्मा दिदी तपाईको घरमा नुन छ? मैले किन भनेर सोध्नु अगावै उसले भनि हालि, आज म एक प्याकेट नुन किन्न कत्तिवटा पसल गए तर पाएन अनि परको पसल सम्म गएर किनेर ल्याए । मलाई लाग्छ अब नुनको अभाव हुन्छ होला । मैले उसलाई केही हुँदैन तिमी चिन्ता नगर घर जान सुझाव दिए । उ आफ्नो घर तिर लागी । मैले बहिनीलाई त केही हुन्न भनेर घर पठाए तर पसलहरुमा खाद्यानको अभाव हुन थालेको थियो ।

आफुसंग पैसा हुनेले घरमा खाद्यान स्टक राख्न थालिसकेका थिए । यो संगै मेरो मनमा एक प्रकारको प्रश्न उठिरेको थियो दिनभरि काम गरेर बेलुका खानेहरु अब के गर्छन् होला?

मास्कमा कालो बजारी सुरु भईसक्यो भने अरुमा नहुने कुरै भएन कुनै आपतविपत र महामारी आउँदा कालोबजारी मौलाउने हाम्रो दिर्घ रोग हो । अहिले उनि उहि हुनेवाला छ दिक्क लाग्यो । आखिर भयो पनि उही सरकारले कालो बजारी गर्नेलाई कार्वाही गछौं नियन्त्रणमा लिन्छौ भन्छ तर सरकार कहाँ छ? नागरिकले भेट्न सकेका छैनन् ।

अफिसबाट पनि अब सेल्फ आइसोलेसनमा जाने र घरबाट नै काम गर्ने निर्णय भयो । मेरो परिक्षाको मिति नजिकिदै थियो त्यसैले म परिक्षा बिदामा जाने तयारीमा थिए । सेल्फ आइसोलेसनमा बसेको केही दिनमा नेपाल सरकारले  लकडाउन गर्ने सुचना देशका खोच खोचमा पुग्यो । लकडाउन सुरु भयो, टोलटोलमा माइकिङ गर्न थाले तर घर वरपरका मानिसहरु प्रति कुनै त्रास नभएको उनीहरुको मुहारमा प्रष्ट देखिन्थ्यो । सायद घर वरपरको यस्तो वातावारणले गर्दा पनि होला आफुमा पनि कोरोनाको त्रास कम हुँदै गएको थियो । 

एक रात ग्रुप च्याटमा एउटा भिडियो मेसेज आयो । भिडियो कोन्ट्यागन मुभीको थियो , जुन कोभिड १९ जस्तै माहामारीमा आधारित थियो । मुभी हेरेपछि निदाउन सकिन । भोलि पल्ट साथीको मेसज पाए, हामी पढेको स्कुलको सरको परिवार सबैलाई क्वारेन्टाइनमा राख्न लगियो । किनकी उहाँको छोरी पनि कतारको फ्लाइटबाट नेपाल आएकी थिईन । यस्ता खबरहरु मिडियामा धेरै आउन थालेपछि त्रास बढ्दै गयो । त्यसपछि कोरोना को समाचारको अपडेट लिन छोडे । 

पहिला जस्तै थियो तर अहिले पुरुषको दैनिकीमा मात्र फरक देखिएको छ । लकडाउन पछि कामहरु सबै बन्द भएपछि प्राय पुरुषहरु फ्रि छन् ।

IMG_1673घर वरपर लकडाउन भएको जस्तो वातावरण नै थिएन । पहिला जस्तै थियो तर अहिले पुरुषको दैनिकीमा मात्र फरक देखिएको छ । लकडाउन पछि कामहरु सबै बन्द भएपछि प्राय पुरुषहरु फ्रि छन् । त्यसैले एक हुल बनाएर कोही जनचेतनाका लागि गाउँ टोल टोलमा गएर माइकिङ्ग गर्थे त कोही कि तास खेल्थे कि खसी खोज्न हिड्थे । ठेचोका प्राय महिलाहरु गलैचा बुन्ने र खेतीपातीको काम गर्छन् । अहिले लकडाउनका कारण अर्डर आउन बन्द भएपछि अहिले उहाँहरु घरायसी काम र खेतीपातीमा व्यस्त हुनुहुन्छ । वास्तवमा भन्नुपर्दा महिलाहरुलाई लकडाउनको बेलामा पनि दैनिक जीवनमा केही परिवर्तन आएको छैन । 

खानेपानीको लागी हामीलाई नजिकैको सार्वजनिक धारा सम्म पुग्नु पर्छ । म र मेरी बहिनी बेलुकी पख मात्र पानी लिन जान्छौँ । एकपटक बेलुकी पानी लिएर फर्किदा पछाडीबाट कसैले “ नानी खाना खानुभयो ?’ भनेर सोध्नुभयो । मैले जवाफ दिन नपाउदै उहाँ बर्रबराउन थाल्नुभयो, आज मैले पुलिसलाई बोलाईसके, जहिल्यै आएर पिटेको छ, खाएर आउछ अनि जहिल्यै पिट्छ भन्दै रुन थाल्नु भयो । उहाँले आफ्नो बच्चालाई बोकी रहनु भएको थियो । बच्चाको आँखा निद्राले झ्यापै छोपेको प्रस्ट देखिन्थ्यो । त्यसपछि बल्ल मैले प्रश्न गर्ने मौका पाए । 

कसले पिट्न आउछ ?

मेरो श्रीमानले । 

अहिले कहाँ जान लाग्नुभएको बच्चालाई लिएर ?   

श्रीमानलाई पसलमा खोज्न जान लागेको ।

रक्सी खाएर पिट्न आउने श्रीमानलाई अनि किन खोज्न जानुप¥यो? बच्चालाई खानाखुवाउने आफु पनि खाना खाएर सुत्ने हो, पिट्ने मान्छेलाई किन पसलमा गएर खोज्न जानु? त्यसपछि दिदी घर फर्किनु भयो । थाहा छैन त्यो रात उहाँले श्रीमानको पिटाइखानुभयो कि भएन? तर यति कुरा प्रष्ट थियो कि महिलाहरुलाई कोरोनाको त्रासले भन्दा पनि श्रीमानको त्रासले दिन रात सताउँदो रहेछ ।

 

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No one knows where my husband is: Bimala Ghimire

On January 8th, 1999 my husband was abducted by the Nepal Army which suspected him of  being a Maoist. He was a lawyer by profession and also a teacher in a college in Gorkha where we lived. After that, I was the only person responsible for raising three of our children and my father-in-law. I worked as a teacher too. I was doing well at work but the school administration and the army started to keep an eye on me. When the State of Emergency was ordered, it became very unsafe for our family. One day, the police and army came to my school and arrested me along with two students on suspicions of being Maoist sympathizers. For the 15 days that we were locked up, we were heavily tortured. I was still breastfeeding my youngest son back then. He couldn’t drink his mother’s milk and for me the added torture was the knots and pain in my breast from not being able to feed my child. The army didn’t care about the fact that they were separating a breastfeeding child from its mother. They tortured us constantly. They would drop us into water tanks and beat us one by one.

received_862357877616147As a child, I always wanted to study and become educated so that I would have the same  opportunities as boys. Of course, this was problematic for a young girl from a rural place in Nepal. Our schools were very far and we had to travel long distances to study. Families wouldn’t let girls travel far because they thought it was unsafe. So rather than dealing with us, they married us off early in life to get rid of what they considered as ‘a problem’.

I was married early but after my marriage I continued my school and finished my SLC. But then I had children and slowed down a bit. I still managed to complete my high school by 1997 and continued raising my children. After high school, I started teaching.

After my torture and my husband’s disappearance I felt very unsafe so I took my children and moved to Kathmandu. I got a job as a librarian in a college which paid me Rs.3500 per month. Amid immense hardships, I managed to educate and raise my children. My oldest daughter completed her SLC from a government school and started working. My younger daughter got a scholarship at a private school in Kathmandu and studied there. And after some years my son got a scholarship at a school in Pokhara and left at a young age to live in the school hostel and study there.

94138313_214760513281989_3508796635096285184_nMy children have also gone through severe mental stress. In Kathmandu, I would work from 9am to 5pm every day. One day I came back to home to find my younger daughter and son crying. When I asked them why they told me that  our neighbor had told them that I had gotten arrested. They remembered the time when I was gone for 15 days and began to panic. They didn’t know anyone else in Kathmandu and were scared about who would take care of them and feed them without me there.

One winter holiday we traveled back to our village. We were almost home, and my kids wanted to eat oranges so I stepped out of the bus and went to buy it. After buying the oranges, I was about to get into the bus and the police came and arrested me. I was separated from my children. I didn’t know the where they were and how they were. The police kept me till 8PM the nest day and I ran towards my village as quickly as I could. I was so worried not knowing where my children were. But when I got to my village I found them at my brother’s home. Just thinking about these days is too painful for me.

When my husband first got taken away, I had so many responsibilities that I didn’t have much time to go look for him. The first two years, my brother-in-law went everywhere looking for my husband. After I got to Kathmandu, I continued the search. I would go to courts, attending hearings and try and find any information about the disappeared, including my husband. There were many organizations that worked on conflict issues those days. They would often have training and programs that I would always attend hoping it would help me look for my husband.

94253068_545784206128342_5348688228733943808_nOn 1st June 2007, Supreme Court declared its verdict on my husband’s case. The court had decided that the army officials that abducted my husband should be arrested. But since Nepal had no law on disappearance, the court’s decision could not be implemented. After that the TRC and CEIDP were formed. But nothing has happened yet. During those days, someone told me about the International Courts where I could possibly get justice. Even though many people told me not to approach International Courts because it could create a difficult situation for me and my children, I still went ahead and did it. I filed a case and until this day, our case is ongoing at the International Labor Court.

I don’t know whether my husband is alive or not but other people treat me like a widow which is unfair. We hide our identity to survive. My daughter changed her surname. Due to his sacrifice, dedication, and contribution- the revolutionary movement have succeeded but he’s disappeared. No one knows where he is. Is he alive or not? Who will be responsible for our lives?

Besides, all of these, I still wanted to continue my study. I completed my Undergraduate Degree in Sociology in 2008. In 2012, I enrolled myself in Master’s degree in Rural Development.

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After working as a librarian for 6 years, I finally quit my work and started a new job at Gorkhapatra Sansthan; a National Daily. I am still working there as the Head of the Attendance Branch in the Administrative Department. I manage the attendance of more than five hundred permanent employees and 150 temporary employees.

In the past, I couldn’t feed my children properly. Now I can give them proper food. Eating healthy food was a luxury for us then, and now it’s normal. I still remember during Dashain I couldn’t afford to buy new clothes for my children even though their clothes and slippers were old, worn out and torn.

Photo by : Guligo Jia
Photo by : Guligo Jia

Right now my older daughter is a journalist in ‘The Rising Nepal’, an English language National Daily. My second daughter has gone to China for her Master’s and my son is studying to become an engineer. I am proud of my children who are all very dignified, hard-working and honest human beings.

When I think about the past, I get angry when I realize whose benefit the People’s War eventually served. I often think about my husband. But forgetting about him and moving on is easier than to always live in his memory. I am thankful that through all the hardships, I managed to create an independent life for myself and my children. If I hadn’t chosen to be strong and make a better life for me and my children, we would probably all be living in some broken-down condition. But I chose courage and rose above all difficulties.

I am Bimala Ghimire and this is my story.

Photo by : Guligo Jia
Photo by : Guligo Jia

 

 

Following the path of freedom: Indu Tharu

I was born in Hasuliya village of Kailali district in Far Western Nepal. I am a Tharu – indigenous to the land where I was born. I grew up with my mother, grandmother and two younger brothers. My father was one of the founding member of then Nepal Communist Party (Maoist) in Kailali district. I have a vague memory of him. I remember him staying far from our home and would visit us at times. The army and police would often come to our house looking for my father. Not been able to find him, the authorities would give us all a very hard time. He stopped coming home that often. After a while he went underground.
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My father had a pharmacy. We don’t know when and how he got involved in the communist party, the then banned outfit. After both my father and uncle joined the party and left home, my grandfather took over the responsibilities of our home. My grandfather was a peasant. He had to struggle a lot to make sure I got educated.

The Nepal army would come and torture us all quite frequently. One day, the police took my grandfather and beat him inhumanely. He died with his severely wounded body as he wasn’t taken to the hospital on time. After his death, my family went through major financial crisis. My mother and grandmother did not know how to read or write. They only spoke our native Tharu language and did not speak Nepali. Due to the immense stress they couldn’t work much. But somehow, they managed to continue sending me to school.

On June 11th, 2001 we got informed by the party that my father died in an incident. We never saw his dead body. The Maoist party completed his funeral and lots of people told me that they saw my father’s dead body but I still don’t believe it. I feel that one day he will return home. I keep seeing him in my dreams too.

Indu looking at his father's photo in a hand-carved diary exhibited in Lavkant Chaudhary's recent solo art exhibition.
Indu looking at her father’s photo in a hand-carved diary exhibited at Lavkant Chaudhary’s recent solo art exhibition.

After a few months, my uncle was also brutally killed by the police force in one of the raids. He had also joined the underground party. Basically he had no choice than to join the party because of all the torture he would get from the authorities for being a brother of a Maoist. We did not see his dead body either. His wife was pregnant at the time.

Life became very difficult for us. The ten years long People’s War engulfed all the breadwinners of my family; my grandfather, my father and my uncle.

I used to be a very good student as a child but after losing my family members I stopped focusing on my studies. My entire family went through severe depression. Three women in my family lost their husbands in a short span of time, one after another. My friends stopped playing with me because my father was labelled a terrorist. Our society literally stopped interacting with our family. We were socially outlawed. All the remaining members of our family went through mental and physical trauma.

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When my father was still alive he told me a few things. His dream was to change the system. He would tell me how the Tharu people have been historically oppressed in Nepal. He made me understand the concept of Kamaiya and Kamlari practices. He showed me how we were discriminated against through the food we eat. In my childhood, it was humiliating when someone called us rat-eaters.

My father and uncle dreamt of federalism, of creating a Tharuwaan state for the Tharu people. Now, after all those years, the same Maoists are part of the government but still the Tharu people are oppressed every single day.

My father published a monthly magazine “Muktik Dagar” (means: a freedom path) with revolutionary songs, poems, and articles in Tharu language. During the war times, people would get arrested for just having that magazine in their house. People would immediately dump or burn it in fear of police raids. After my father’s death it stopped being published. I still remember many soulful revolutionary poems and articles published on that magazine.

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After years of struggle, I also started becoming very politically active in 2005. I was actively involved in the movement to get rid of the king in 2006 and then in the Tharuhat movement since 2007. I was the treasurer of the Tharuhat Tharuwaan Committee. Back then, the Tharus were put in the same category as Madhesi. We began our movement for our own identity. We demanded proportional representation and a Tharuhat autonomous state but none of our demands were addressed. I was young back then, just out of school.

In 2015 we started another Tharuhat movement. It was heavily repressed by the state. The police went around arresting every male who was involved in the movement and attacking every Tharu house. So, we made a strategy to protect our movement and women took over and led the movement. We wore our traditional clothes and protested in the streets of Dhangadi for weeks. We started celebrating our traditional festivals. In retrospect, by these actions at least we managed to save our clothes and culture. We also started lobbying for our native language to be taught in schools and to make it an official language in the government office procedures.12033791_1497165827247142_1518595684_n

We were organizing a mass conference where many activists from around the country was supposed to participate. The supporters of Akhanda Sudur Paschim – people who were opposed to our idea of autonomous Tharuwan – stopped villagers and participants to reach our venue in Dhangadi. They started pelting stones and blocking roads. Many participants from Tikapur who were coming to our conference also got stopped on the way by this group who started voicing against our movement. Many people were injured. After our mass conference, they then organized a motorcycle rally but the people of Tikapur didn’t let them pass. With the help of the police and local authorities, they started attacking us. They beat, torture and gave Tharu people a very hard time. They burnt our homes and offices, vandalized properties owned by Tharus. It was a one big systematic attack targeted against our community to silence our movement.

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On 24 August, 2015, we had a program demanding an autonomous Tharuhat State in Dhangadi. Me along with other Tharu activists went to put a banner in front of the Chief District Office. Meanwhile the Tikapur massacre happened. We were protesting and heading our rally towards the CDO. After a moment we got a call from Tikapur that many people were killed while demonstrating. Then, we decided to turn back.

There are many reports of Tikapur massacre, including report by Amnesty International, but the government didn’t publish any reports. They refuse to acknowledge the loss of Tharu lives caused in the massacre. Tharu people also started getting severely oppressed by the state repeatedly. Police would go around arresting people again. People fled their homes and started hiding in the fields. We were not even allowed to go catch fish. Our daily lives are linked with fish, it being a basic diet in our culture. Not allowing us to do our daily chores was definitely a major human rights abuse.

For me, that was a realizing moment, that I could not go much further politically without being totally destroyed by the repression. So, like my father, I picked up my pen and started to write.

I started writing articles on Tharu identity, women’s rights and other socio-political issues. I then joined Democracy Research Center as a researcher. With some of the money that I got from my job, I did something which I’ve been always meaning to do it since I was young.

After twelve years, I re-published “Muktik Dagar” in my own editorial, in memory of my father. For me, despite of all the state repressions and all those failed attempts at independence, Tharus will continue walking the road to freedom.

 

Indu Tharu, She is the story

My struggle for Gender Equality: Rukshana Kapali

My name is Rukshana Kapali. I am a transgender woman.

When I was born everyone was happy to have a ‘boy’ child. Our society is very patriarchal. I was the first child of my parents’ and also the first grandchild. As far as I can remember, I was always told by others that I was ‘feminine’. But I didn’t know what ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ was as a child.

I am not studying now.  Two years ago, I went to Tribhuvan University affiliated college to get admission in a Bachelor’s program. Tribhuvan University didn’t admit me because they didn’t recognize my gender identity. My school certificates have me listed as ‘Male’ and address me with my deadname. My citizenship addressed me by the name I want, but lists me as ‘Others’. With lack of any proper legislation, I have nothing I can do.  I quit and did nothing for two years after that. Now, I am active in Queer Youth Group where we work on queer people & human rights issues.  We do three major works: legal advocacy, awareness campaigns & resource generation. We advocate for making sure our voices are represented in our policies. We also do awareness programs about queer issues in schools. We include it in our broader curriculum of comprehensive sexuality education. In this, we give knowledge about sexuality beyond ‘opposite attracts’ and teach them that gender is not ‘two rigid boxes’. Many organizations and government offices also invite us to give workshops and raise awareness on the topic.

Sometimes it feels like you have moved on but then you are forced to go back.

When I was a kid, I didn’t know what gender was. I think no one knew what gender was. It was just like society says, one wears a skirt and one wears pants. I remember coming back from school and acting like my teacher, Ms. Lalita. I can’t remember her face anymore but back then I would wear a skirt and try to act like her. I used to wear my aunt’s high heels. There were a lot of different things which people took as me being ‘girly’. My hair was also long. In our tradition, we don’t cut hair for many years. My mother braided my hair to go to school. A lot of people would ask my mother, ‘is this your daughter?’ I remember being happy when people said that. But my mother always explained to them that I was her son; which I didn’t really like.3_middle_inserts

I would wear my grannie’s sari whenever I came back from school. At home I loved dressing as a girl, which people found very offensive. I remember one day, in second grade, one of my relatives slapped me very badly for dressing the way I liked.

My school didn’t allow us to have long hair so I had to eventually cut it and that made me very unhappy. To sum this concisely, the way I saw myself was not the way society saw me. I couldn’t figure out what was happening with me because I was too young then. I think when I was in fifth grade when my friends started to say, “You walk in a feminine way”. I asked them what a feminine way meant and they said that I moved my hips like a woman.

When I reached sixth grade maybe due to our socialization everything started to be separate.  Girls used to hangout in one place and boys would hangout somewhere else. Girls had different conversations and boys had different conversations. So I never knew which group to go and hangout with. But mainly, I was comfortable with girls.  The girls would tell me to go hangout with the boys but when I did I felt like I didn’t belong there. That was when they started calling me feminine.  They would tell me that ‘I looked like a C-word’. And all other kinds of derogatory comments started after that.

When I stepped out to go to school from my home, on the way there would be other students walking behind me. They would comment on the way I walked. I felt like people were constantly looking at me and commenting on all that I did. So I lived in constant fear. Due to that fear I tried to not stand out as much as possible. In my classroom, I stopped being expressive. I stopped talking to people and started saying that I preferred to be alone. I was always alone.

When we hit puberty and feel all these bodily changes, our emotions also changes. But in our society no one talks about these changes.

When I saw hair growing on my body, my skin became rough, I felt it should not be like this maybe it should be softer. You know girls were having different kinds of changes. I would prefer to have these changes rather than the changes I was going through.

In the tenth grade, there were not too many students in my classroom.  I think for straight people it’s easy. Not easy, but there are many things in the world that you can relate with but I was not exposed to that part of the world. I remember this one time, hearing on the news that Santosh Pant’s daughter had a MTF sex-change surgery. It was the first time that I heard the word transgender.

As I had no access to a computer or the internet at home, I would go to a cyber café in the neighborhood. That’s where I could read and learn about the gender spectrum and what that meant. I was so nervous, excited, scared; everything at once. I read all the articles which was related with sexual orientation, gender identity and sex characteristics. I educated myself and immersed into the topic.

During adolescence I got a sense of being attracted to someone which was such a different feeling that I didn’t understand. I had a crush on a guy. I felt attracted to him and was completely confused. When I confessed to my friends, they expressed disgust. I can still feel their sense of disgust “How can you be attracted to a guy?”

I changed my name on Facebook to Rukshana Kapali when I was studying in Grade 9. It was such a drama to choose that name. I went through the Himalayan Time’s TGIF and searched for a name for myself.  Right around then, there was an essay competition in my school. I chose “Gender Equality”. I wrote an essay that included different gender identities, non-binary, transgender and gave a speech in front of everyone. That was how I came out in school, particularly to the school staffs.

The only place where we see trans & gender non confirming people in Bollywood movies is where they beg for money, sexually harass someone, clap hands. Those were the only images that we as a society would see.  My friends would ask me, ‘Will you go beg on a train?’

My principal and vice-principal was very abusive. I remember many instances of physical violence in school. One time my principal came into the examination hall and dragged me by my hair. He took me the corridor and threatened me. It was very scary and I was frozen at that moment.  The Vice-principal was also very aggressive. She would slap me often and say things like ‘I know a doctor in Bangalore who will cure you.’ I don’t want to re-call all those abuses they committed on me as a teenage child. It always re-traumatizes me to remember these experiences. I told them about me because I thought they’d help me out of the bullying I am facing but they just ended up contributing on my wounds. I still get panic attacks and nightmares with whatever memories I collected in that school for many years.

At home, I came out during my grandfather’s birthday one year. I didn’t say a word to anyone. I had bought a yellow t-shirt, loose trousers, shawl and some makeup by stealing 15,000 rupees a year ago. I wore it and walked out of the door. Everyone was shocked at first. Then, I started wearing dresses every day. The initial days were heavy. It is tough recalling these emotional moments.  I don’t want to elaborate more on that trauma.

It was difficult trying to convince my parents. I used to cry every day. My dad didn’t even look at my face for many months. Nowadays, he says, ‘If I knew then what I know now I would have never behaved that way.’

When I joined high school (it was +2 then), I went in wearing a wig. I told the principal that I am a trans person and I faced a lot of mishaps at school and I have no courage to face the same here. It is AIMS Academy in Lagankhel. The principal told me, “You are my student, your work is to study. You will never feel discrimination here. If anyone says or does something bad to you then we will take action against it”. My mom always praises the principal of AIMS Academy and how the first talk with him made us feel that I am safe in the premises of the high school. However, I ended up never revealing my identity to anyone in my high school.

Then, I started getting more involved in activism and started to write a blog.

At a certain point I got curious about my language and started studying Nepal bhasa. My parents didn’t wanted to speak our language to me, because they thought speaking our native language to children will make them less competent. However, I claimed this language for myself.  I found a book that I learnt about my language and the written form of my language. I found out about Ranjana Lipi, Prachalit Lipi, Bhujimo lipi. I was very excited to learn about this for the first time in my life. I grew up in a Newa family, and never had I ever been exposed to the richness of my own language. I had always been told that teaching children our own language will make them ‘backwards’. Fortunately I found a place where I could learn how to write in Ranjana lipi. They just didn’t teach me about language. They also taught me about grammar, history, the politics of language, indigenous culture and my roots. This was so fascinating to me. That was how I began immersing myself to my native language.

2_middle_insertsI started getting more and more active in my Newa community and together with a group of like-minded people started ‘Save Nepa Valley’. I left the group due to my personal circumstances in 2019 April.

I do my short comedy videos called Ruku Yu Vines. It isn’t just claiming a space in the field that usually portrays trans people as ‘humorous’ and ‘a matter of joke’ but also re-claiming a space for Newa contextual content.

After my Grade 10, I acquired my citizenship. It wasn’t a big deal for me. However, I didn’t like the fact I was compelled to list myself as “Others”. Not only did I find that derogatory, but also something that did not address me correctly. The only thing I could do was put the name I wanted to be addressed as. Some people also have this misconception that transgender people are ‘third genders’. No we are not. Transmen identify as men, Transwomen identify as women. Some people do identify out of this binary: ‘non-binary’. Third gender is more traditional concept. Some people do identify with this, while particularly in the younger generation, people don’t use this term anymore. Who is first and who is second? I don’t want me being labeled with derogatory terms, and be recognized as “Female”, not “Others”.

However, Nepal has no proper legislation for trans people. It depends on the authority who is responsible. I got my citizenship with my chosen name, but I am not able to change my past documents to the identity I want. I don’t want to be labeled as “Others” just because I am a trans person. I am fighting with the government to be enlisted as “Female”.

I am a lot more confident now and I can defend myself. But I was frustrated because of the educational system in Nepal which doesn’t allow me to change my name and so colleges and universities won’t admit me. They don’t give me anything written either so I can’t challenge them in the court of law. I am trying to get into law college somehow. Last year, I got selected for a 6 months fellowship in UK. There I did a session in law and realized that there are no transgender lawyers. If I have the skills then I can file and fight cases for trans people. I have yet to be admitted in a university yet. But I know that I can and I will. I want to do this not just for me but for everyone else who face barriers as a transgender person.

I am definitely in an emotional turmoil.  All the legal provisions in Nepal have definite barriers for me, be it education, health, employment, or even international travelling. While it is a struggle to bring changes that matter, I have so less time to focus on myself.

However, I try to calm myself, I have waited for these many years, it is just few more.

All photos from Rukshana's Facebook
All photos from Rukshana’s Facebook

Being called disabled is no longer an issue for me: Saraswati Maharjan

I was born in a low income family. My mother and father were both farmers. We barely made enough to eat through farming so any extra money was out of the question. I come from Thecho, Lalitpur and I still live there with my small family. My parents could barely afford basic needs for us so my upbringing was very frugal.

IMG_4265When I was 4 years old, I got measles and then my left leg was infected by the polio virus. I could not walk anymore. I needed someone to carry me. My mother worked very hard for me. She used to carry me to the hospital for my treatment.  Due to polio, I could not go to school. I joined school, when I was 9 years old. My friends used to carry me from my house to school.

My School was far and it was very difficult for my friends to carry me. So, after a while my father got me admitted to a school close by. In this new school, there was a teacher who luckily helped me get crutches. Before that I would barely leave the house since I had to be carried everywhere. I got the crutches when I was thirteen years old. In the beginning I was terrified of walking with the crutches. Somehow, it was a reminder of my disability and I didn’t want to show it to anyone. But soon I started to go school with the help of crutches.

Unfortunately, a year later, I had to leave school permanently because my parents were too poor to pay for my education.

My neighbors didn’t treat me well. They would often tell me that I am a burden on my family. Often I shared my thoughts, desires and dreams for my future but they would only make fun of me.

My father opened a small shop in our village. I started to work in the shop. One day, a lady came to the shop and she asked if I would be interested in getting trained as a tailor. I always liked to sew so; I don’t want to miss this opportunity. I told my mother about the training and she allowed me to go there. I left my home and went to stay at Khagendra Nawa Jeevan Kendra in Jorpati for a year of tailor training. When I was in Khagendra Nawajeevan Kenra I saw many girls who were disabled and use crutches. After that I was never ashamed to use my crutches.

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I came back to my home after my training but I didn’t work as a tailor for some years. I worked in our shop for 6 years. Eventually we had to leave the shop because the shop front was about to get reconstructed. After that I started to search for a job elsewhere and luckily, I got a job after some time.

IMG_4262While I was home in between jobs my friends would come to my house and give me their clothes to mend. Slowly they started asking me to sew clothes for them. In the beginning, I refused them several times. But they wouldn’t take no for an answer and eventually I ended up sewing clothes for them. They were very impressed by my work and this really inspired me. So I started sewing clothes for whoever asked from my house. I used to own a gold earring that my mother had given me when I was a child. I sold those gold earrings for 9000 rupees (90 $) and bought myself a sewing machine with that money. Actually I bought two second hand machines and then started working as a seamstress from my own house. My entire community supported me and I was able to contribute financially at home. This made me feel very proud of myself.  Everything people said until then about how I would be a burden to my family was turning out to be wrong.

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People who were mean to me, or sometimes would tease me about my physical condition slowly appreciated my work and became my customers. After a few years I opened my own shop. I now have a tailoring shop and I have hired two employees.

So, I am not just financially self-sufficient, I provide work to others.

This has made me very confident of myself. I have become stronger and can deal with anything that comes up now. I even travel to places that I would not think about before. Last year I went to Sikkim. I don’t feel embarrassed to use my crutches. I take public transportation and go wherever I feel like. Being called disabled is no longer an issue for me. I work hard and support my entire family now.

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Here I am, “breaking” all kinds of stereotypes: Muna Ghimire Shrestha

I want to be known as Nepal’s first female heavy equipment operator rather than my name. I was raised in a lower middle class family with two little sisters in Aabukhaireni, Tanahun. My father and mother were farmers. My parent’s farm was the only source of income in our family. I was a good and hardworking student. As my father and mother were getting old, they couldn’t work in the farm anymore. Due to this, we faced a lot of financial problem and I was forced to leave my studies. The circumstances were such that I had to start looking for a job.

It is evident that our society values a son more than a daughter. Because my parents had no sons, our neighbors loved to highlight the difference between sons and daughters. Too many gossipy mouths were always telling my parents that their daughters were useless because we wouldn’t take care of them in their old age and we would not be able to perform the death rituals. All of these apparently was a son’s responsibility and not a daughter’s. I didn’t like when people spoke like this.

Is there any difference in the birth pain a mother goes through regardless of the gender of the child? No.

These gossipy neighbors would also often say that a girl child is not capable to generate an income for her family and be responsible of her family members. I had a burning desire to shut all of their mouths and show them that a daughter can also earn and be financially responsible of her family. After I left school, I went to Nepalgunj for a job. I got a job as an office helper in a construction company (Lama Swadesh Nirman Company).  I never imagined being a heavy equipment operator. While working there, I started to have an interest and curiosity in all the equipment rather than my work. One day the director asked me why I always looked at the equipment. I was 16 then. He told me if I wanted to learn how it works, I could come in morning and evening without hampering my office work. I began to invest my mornings and evenings to learn about the equipment’s parts and how it operates. Looking back, I wonder how I was so courageous.

After six months of my employment, someone who had worked as a heavy equipment operator left that company. Our director came to me and said, “I am losing a lot of business because there is no one who can take responsibility as an operator. Will you take that responsibility?”

I told him I would give it a try. I was nervous and scared at first but gradually I became more confident. This is how I began my journey as a heavy equipment operator.

It all feels so surreal.

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The same gossipy neighbors would tell my parents that I had eloped with a man. Every week I had to wait for Saturday to call my parents because it was cheaper than other days. While talking to them, my parents would cry and ask me to return back. I always refused them because I had to earn money and take responsibility of my family.

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While working in Kohalpur one time, a journalist wrote an article about me in the daily newspaper, Gorkhapatra in 1999. My father’s friend who usually spoke badly about me had read that article.  He then went to my father and told him what a great daughter he had. When I heard this, I felt like my struggle had been worth it. I had won the battle. I never looked back in my life then-after.

 

After a certain period, my company suffered a huge loss and all of a sudden, I was unemployed. I knew of a manager at Kalika Construction Company. I called him and went to work there in Narayanghat. I didn’t have a license but they hired me as an equipment operator because they didn’t have another choice. In Nepal there is a provision that in order to get a license for heavy vehicles, one must have a license for four wheel vehicles. I didn’t have a license so they hired a female assistant for me. Basanti Gurung, probably the second female heavy equipment operator in Nepal.  I trained her to operate heavy equipment within six months. After that, I left that company because I wanted to work in Kathmandu.

In Kathmandu, I struggled a lot. I went to different companies to get a job but people usually stared at me. Many said, “Men think thousand times before working as a heavy equipment operator, how do you think you can work as an operator?”

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I worked at multiple hydro-power sites. However, I still did not have a license.

Two years after getting my four wheel license, I finally got my heavy equipment license on 2005.  It took me six years to get this license.

One fine day while working on a site, I met Suresh Shrestha. He was the manager of another company. He used to borrow equipment’s from our company. We fell in love and got married. Suresh didn’t know how to operate heavy equipment and initially he was not even interested to learn. But eventually he lost his job and that’s when I trained him to operate these heavy machines as well and we started working together.

At one point of my life, I decided that I needed to work for the government instead of private companies. I applied but learnt that I needed to have finished high school to work in a public company so I re-joined school. I would go to school early in the morning and went to my job by 10AM. After work, I would often go for extra classes to help me. Finally in 2012, I got my high school diploma. Three years later there was a vacancy in the heavy equipment division of the government. I applied and succeeded. 10 months later I was promoted to a senior level position.

 

IMG_4398Growing up, my mother had to walk long distances to fetch drinking water while my neighbors had access to tap water. I used to feel really bad about it. After working, with my first pay I installed a tap at my house. One time, my father was really sick and the doctors in our town had given up hope. But I worked hard, saved my money and brought him to a hospital in Kathmandu where the treatment was better and he survived. In doing that, I shut the mouth of my neighbors who would say that only a son takes care of their parents in the old age.

People have all kinds of stereotypes about women and about people who work on construction sites. They think women are weak and cannot handle machines. They also think people who work on construction sites are illiterate, and uncivilized. But ever since I was a child I liked to break boundaries. And today here I am, breaking all kinds of stereotypes.

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