Happiness lies in little things

By Aparna Singh

It all started with an announcement on March 24 at around 8pm that there was going to be a nationwide lockdown. No one knew what it was going to look like and how long it would go on for. The first few days felt good. After all, who doesn’t enjoy a long weekend?

I binge watched pretty much all the pandemic movies in the beginning like Contagion and Outbreak. I started to get too consumed with the news, both local and global. CNN showed COVID-19 numbers rapidly increasing around the world. There were recoveries but what I only saw was deaths. Then Nepal started reporting infections too. The news drained me. I was scared and anxious. It was time to shut off the news. I also found myself comparing this pandemic to the devastating Nepal Earthquake that occurred exactly 5 years ago. I remembered the life we had back then post earthquake. Living in tents, not going to work, feeling anxious of the future. This felt like another painful reminder of the horrific incident.

4FCB4ACC-1F9E-456C-A42B-55C9D330D733

While I was at a privileged position to be working from home, I knew that there were many who did not have a roof under their heads, who could not afford three meals a day, and the essential workers for whom staying home was not an option. I felt blessed. I had a clean blue sky to look at that gave me fresh air, I had a supportive family because of whom I always had food on the table, I could listen to birds all day, play with my puppies and basically do whatever I wanted to. I was inside a perfectly safe bubble.

The first few days of the lockdown, I was determined to bring structure into my life. I tried to make my life as normal as possible. At 10 o’clock, I would dress up, do my hair and sit by my front porch with my laptop ready for work. Now that a few months have gone by, I no longer have the energy to dress up and do my hair. It’s also hard when you know that tomorrow is going to be exactly the same as today. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.

There were days when I felt anxious about the future. So I started working out. Of course there are days when I do not feel like working out at all. But I loved doing yoga, meditation and jumping rope. I baked, cooked, made dalgona coffee and what not. Someday I felt angry, sometimes I gained a new perspective on life. I pondered if this is the new normal. I realized that I was spending unnecessarily and that I was fine not shopping for two months.

Then, we started baking our own bread, made our very first seasonal fruit jam from scratch, and ate picked vegetables from my garden. I felt independent and alive. I also grew my very first watermelon plant. For the very first time, I learned that I did not need to achieve big things to be happy. I understood that happiness lies in little things, like watching my plant thrive every day, the cool evening breeze, the rain after a hot summer day, and warm sunshine after days of heavy rain. I learned to live in the moment and realized that happiness is in the now.

***

म भित्रको डरलाई फेरी ब्युँतायो कोरोनाले

जनवरी देखि कोरोना भाईरसको बारे सुन्दै आएकी छु । नयाँ वर्षको सुरुवातमा नै विश्व भरि नै त्रास लिएर आयो कोरोना भाईरस । त्यही समयमा अमेरीकाले ईरानलाई धम्कि दिएको थियो । त्यसको अकै त्रास थियो अनि त्यो त्रास थियो विश्व युद्ध कतै अमेरीकाको यस्तो धम्किले विश्व युद्ध त हुने होई? एक प्रकारको डर थियो तर भएन । तर हामीलाई के थाहा थियो कि यो भन्दा नि ठुलो त्रास र संकट सबैको जिवनमा आउनेवाला थियो । हजुर त्यो संकट कोरोना भाईरस महामारी हो । जुन पुरा विश्व फैलीएको छ ।

यसरी नै यो लाग्यो की करोडौ मानिसहरुको त्रासमा मेरो नि धेरै त्रास र डर छन । म सानै देखि एकदम कम्जोर र एकदम डर पोक केटी थिएँ । सानो सानो कुरामा नि डराउने रुने केटी थिएँ धेरै पटक म टुवाईलेटमा लुकेर बसेको छु । हुँरीवतास आउँदा, भुकम्पको कुरा गर्दा, बाढी पहिरोको समाचार सुन्दा एकदमै डर लाग्थ्यो । घाँटीबाट एक एक गास खाना निल्न सक्दिनथे म । पानी पर्दा लाग्थ्यो अब बाढी पहिरो आउछ, हुरी बतास आउँदा हामीलाई उडाएर लग्छ सोच्थे तर यम्ी त साना बेलाको त्रास भयो अहिले त यि कुराहरुको त्रास छैन । तर म अहिले पनि त्यही डरपोक र कम्जोर केटी चाही हो । ति कुराहरुको त्रास नभए पनि म एकदम डरपोक किसीमको हुँ । मलाई अहिले पनि याद छ विज्ञानको विषय पढाउने म्यामले कोरोना महामारीमा नेपाल उच्च जोखिममा पर्छ भन्दा मेरो जिउ तातेर आगो भएको थियो ।

मुटु हल्लिएर धड्कन एकदम छिटो छिटो चल्न थालेको थियो
म टेवलमा टाउको अडएर रोएको मलाई नै थाहा छैन ।

सानै देखिको त्रास र त्यो घटनाको बारेमा एकदमै गहिरिएर सोच्दा म आफैले आफैलाई किन म यति धेरै डरपोक छु भनेर प्रश्न गर्दा थाहा पाए कि मेरो जिवनको सबै भन्दा ठुलो त्रास यि कुराहरु होईन यो त्रास त मृत्यु पो रहेछ । मलाई मेरो मृत्यु देखि डर लाग्छ । तर म अहिले आफुलाई सके जति निस्कने कोशीष गर्छु र मलाई थाहा छ कि म यो त्रासबाट निस्कने छु भन्ने सोच आउँछ ।

तर फेरी यो त्रास बढाउनको लागी यो कोरोना महामारी आयो यो महामारीले मेरो त्रासलाई अझै बढायो । जति सोच्छु यो कि यो त्रासबाट बाहीर निस्कन्छु । त्यती नै भित्र जान्छु । कोरोना भाईरस यसले त मेरो मेरो त्रास र दुःख लाई मेरो जिवनमा अझै गाँजीरहेको छ । दिन रात लाग्छ की मेरो मृत्यु भयो भने! डर लाग्छ की मेरो परिवारबाट म विछोड भएँ भने! यस्ता डर र त्रासले गर्दा मैले समाचर नै पढ्नै बन्द गरि दिएँ । कोरोना महामारीको डरले हामी काठमाण्डौ देखि इन्डिया आयौ तर मलाई इन्डिया आईरहदा फेरी काठमाण्डौ फर्कन्छु की फर्कन्न भन्ने डर लाग्यो । यस्ता डर र त्रास कम गर्न सके म सम्म सकारात्मक विचारका साथै प्रेरणादायी प्रवचन र युट्युबहरुमा सुन्ने गरीराछु । आफैले आफैलाई भन्छु हाम्रो डाक्टरहरु सक्षम छन् । उनिहरुले हामी सबैलाई बचाउन सक्छन् र बचाउने छन् भनेर आफैले आफैलाई भन्छु । सम्झाउँछु की यो कोरोनाबाट मृत्यु धेरै भईसकेको छ तर मृत्यु भन्दा धेरै गुणा मान्छेहरु निको पनि भईरहेका छन् । अनि दिनरात आशा गर्छु की यसको केही न त केही समाधान वा उपचार त अवश्य भेट्टाउँछ एक दिन ।

कक्षा ९
१७मे २०२०
श्री कान्तिईश्वरी मा.वि.

***

Corona has revived the fear inside me

I have been hearing about coronavirus since January. Corona came along with the New Year spreading dreadful consequences all over the world. During the same time, America had threatened Iran. That was another fear and it was concerning world war. What if there will be a world war because of what America said? There was a strange fear, thankfully nothing happened. But, there was a bigger fear and bigger concern and it was of coronavirus.

Ever since I was little, I have always been a weak and sensitive girl. I cry over small little things and many times I’ve cried alone in the toilet. Be it thunderstorms, earthquakes, or news about landslides, I get really scared. When it rained, I used to think there will be thunderstorms and landslides and we will die. But these were mostly during my childhood; I don’t have these fears anymore. I still am the same sensitive girl though. I still remember during science class when my teacher had mentioned that Nepal is highly vulnerable to coronavirus, my body had heated up rapidly. My palpitation had increased and unknowingly I was crying.

After a lot of self-introspection, I had realized why I was such a sensitive girl. I figured out that my biggest fear was death. I fear that I will die. Now I try my best to overcome this fear and I believe someday I will.

However, due to this coronavirus, my fear has only increased. The more I think about it, the more intense it gets. I am constantly thinking what if I die? What if I get separated from my family? Now I have stopped reading any news because it only makes things worse for me. Me and my family came to India during this pandemic, but I worry if we will ever get back to Kathmandu. I spend a lot of time working on positive thinking and listening to the motivational speech on Youtube to fight with my fear and anxieties. I remind myself that doctors are efficient and competent. They can do anything; they will save us. I keep telling myself that of course there are many who have died because of this virus, but there are even more people who are recovering. I hope some solution will be found eventually.

***

कहिले पो रोकथाम हुने हो यो भाईरस?

देशभरी फैलँदै गएको महामारी कोभिड—१९ कोरोना भाईरसले गर्दा हाम्रो समाज र जीवनमा धेरै असर पारेको छ । यो कोरोना भाईरस सरुवा रोग हो । यो रोग एक व्यक्तिबाट अर्कोमा सजिलै सर्न सक्छ ।

यो रोगबाट धेरै मानिसहरुले आफ्ना आफन्त परिवारजन गुमाएका छन् । यो रोगका कारण धेरैको घरमा चुलो निभेको छ । मानिसहरु आफ्नै घर भित्र कैदी जस्तै थुनिएर बस्नु परेको छ । बाहिरको स्वच्छ वातावरणको हावा नपाएका कारणले दिमागी रोगले सताएका छन् र यसले गर्दा हामी जस्ता साना बालबालिकाहरुको पढाई छुटेको छ । धेरैजना मोबाईल, टि.भी., ईन्टरनेट जस्ता साधनमा ध्यान दिन थालेकाले पछि गएर अनेक रोग जस्तै टाउको दुख्ने, आँखामा समस्या आउने जस्ता समस्या आउन सक्छ ।

स—साना बालबालिकामा मात्र नभएर ठूला मानिसहरु पनि अहिले यसमा नै रमाउन थालेका छन् । कतिपय मानिसहरु गाउँ फर्कन वाध्य भएका छन् । यो कोरोना भाईरसको कारणले धेरै मानिसहरु मृत्युको मुखमा पुगेका छन् ।

अस्मिता भुजेल
कक्षा ९
श्री कन्या माध्यमिक विद्यालय, यट्खा

***

When will this virus be prevented?

Everyone’s life has been greatly affected due to this COVID -19 coronavirus. This virus is communicable. It can easily be transferred from one person to another.
Because of this virus, many people have lost their loved ones. Many are unable to feed themselves. People are forced to live inside their own houses like prisoners. Many are facing mental issues because they cannot go outside and children like us cannot study since all the schools are closed. Most of the people are over-utilizing their mobile phones, laptops, the internet, etc which can lead to various problems like headaches, eye strain, dry eyes, etc.

It’s not just the children, even adults have begun to overindulge themselves in internet. Many are forced to go back to their villages. A lot of people are at death’s door because of the coronavirus.

***

Musings of a tired soul

By Deepa Rai

My nephew was born on 22 March 2020, just two days before the lockdown. The news of newly set up ‘fever clinic’ in Patan hospital was enough to give its patients and their families- chills. Rumor of a recently admitted COVID-19 patient was also doing rounds in the maternity ward. Contrary to our expectations, we were happy that the newest member of our family didn’t get the usual welcome visits by family and friends. Amidst the fear of pandemic, indifferent hospital staff and a pediatrician who didn’t know how to unzip onesie (commented that the baby should be wearing ‘easy’ outfit so that he could check the baby more quickly and disappear just as fast as he had come in), my brother and sister-in-law waited patiently to return home.

25 March arrived but the ambulance they had booked in advance, didn’t. Their wait was little over three hours on the day they were discharged from hospital. They finally made it home in a taxi that was dropping off an emergency patient. Sheer luck that they found one.

While I was posting this incident on twitter (image on the right), I was thinking of those in similar situations in far-flung districts. How would new mothers fare in such situations? Lack of vehicle coordination in one hospital had already seen several patients stranded in its premises. This was only the beginning of lockdown effects that the country was to face. It was a grim realization of what was yet to come.

For the next two months, grocery shopping, buying essentials for newborn, cooking, all of these chores got shared among the big family of 11. Attending virtual meetings with toddlers constantly knocking on the door became a new normal. I became an accidental chef to my own surprise (and that of my family). ‘Extremely busy’ became the new normal too. Juggling house chores with professional work had a different meaning. ‘How can I be fully productive when I have to shift from one role to the next without a break?’ This question kept hitting me but then I surprised myself, yet again. It could be done. It needed to be done.

The news of people on their long march home having lost their jobs due to lockdown made me realize the state of vulnerability that our state was in. No, I couldn’t be moaning about having a busy worklife. I trudged on, though frustrated, insecure, agitated and at times, angry – much to the dismay of my family who had to bear the brunt of my behavior. That makes me come to yet another revelation of the lockdown, of how lucky I was to be with my family – children’s constant shouting, and crying for attention included.

‘What are we doing’ as a nation to help them?
The desperation is real but limitations, even more so.
I shut down the news for a week.

A close friend reminisced about the humble lives she had met in the past in a short memoir, wondering how they are surviving during lockdown. The heart-felt piece left me feeling guilty of the privilege that I was in. It brought up the same question of ‘what are we doing’ as a nation to help them? The desperation is real but limitations, even more so. I shut down the news for a week.

Other friends are busy posting photos on social media of their new found passion for baking, mithai-making and tiktok-ing, a cool respite from the burning issues of hunger, hysteria and the helplessness that pandemic has brought in. This goes on to show that despite of frustration and agitation, we are surviving and slowly conquering the pandemic, by staying home, by staying sane and by spreading love albeit in distance.

A quote shared by another close friend hits home for all of us.

Respect, indeed!

***

From a big kitchen to bigger ones: Manila Tamrakar

I can only imagine how happy my family members must have been when I was born. I was the first grandchild to be born in my house. A Laxmi is born, someone must have said. In an extended family, led by grandparents, I must say that I definitely grew up pampered. But I wasn’t spoilt. At a very early age, I had started to take care of all my younger siblings.

We grew up playing in the little courtyard of our house in Dhokatole, Kathmandu. I had to be my sibling’s parent and friend at the same time. We’d play, study and eat together. I remember, each lunch and dinner was like a feast. Fifteen family members eating at the same time turned any ordinary meal into a Newar jho-bhwe style feast. My mother and aunties would prepare food and I’d help them by going to the market, buying vegetables and essentials.

Looking back, I’d say that my family was not that conservative when it came to educating the girl child. I was sent to the neighborhood girls-only school where I completed my school leaving certificate. I also completed my intermediate from Shankar Dev Campus. My brothers and cousins went to co-ed schools. Back in those days, parents would worry about their girls ‘reputation’. They believed that educating girls too much would make them ‘spoilt’ – their way to describe independent women those days. I was a decent student and doing well with my studies. I had plans to enroll into a bachelor’s study.

But I raised my concern over my study –
they said I could continue it after my marriage.

Meanwhile, a wedding proposal arrived from a well-to-do family. One evening, I was taken to the market in the pretext of buying clothes for Dashain. But the motive was that the man would get to see his probable wife-to-be. I had no choice of agreeing or disagreeing to it. But in my head, I was clear that I should focus on my studies. My birth astrological chart was taken to match with his. It matched perfectly they said. We weren’t raised to question our elders. In those days, you could not even raise your eyebrows to your parents. The wedding got fixed. But I raised my concern over my study – they said I could continue it after my marriage.

I was just 19 years old when I got married and moved from one giant family to another. I felt everything emotionally that a 19 years old ambitious girl would think to be sent to another family all of a sudden. I can’t even express the level of anxiety, pressure, embarrassment, nervousness that I had on those days.

I became another hand to help in the chores of this new unfamiliar house. I became another assistant in the kitchen where they’d cook food for another big family. I got scared to see the rice-cooker my in-laws would be cooking rice in. I remember the first day in the kitchen quivering until I finished making cauliflower curry for them. Although I grew up in a big family, I never had to cook at home. I would often make mistakes. Miscalculating portions, adding less or more salt, under or over-cooking kept happening. Gradually I got accustomed to it and life in the big kitchen got normal.

True to their word, my in-laws let me join college for my bachelor’s. I’d wake up in the morning at 4am to not miss any classes. I’d try to focus on my studies in-between my family responsibilities. Regardless of having too much chores to do, I completed my bachelor’s. I promptly enrolled myself into a Master’s program as well but I got pregnant and gave birth. A girl. Laxmi is born in the house, someone had said. After the child, it became impossible to continue my education. I had completed a semester of the Master’s program too but that went in vain. 6 years passed being a mother and then we had another baby. This time a girl child again, but not a definite Laxmi this time. Some of my in-laws were not that happy with a second girl child. I heard them saying “Oh no, not a girl again!”

But it didn’t matter to me. What mattered most, was my husband being happy about it. I knew I would be forced to have another child and try for a boy next time. Various nonchalant ways of putting pressure on me didn’t stop. Right then, my husband got transferred to Pokhara to work in the industrial estate, in a bakery factory. In one hand, it was a blessing to stop being pressured to have another child, on the other hand – I’d have to leave my families behind. We moved with two girls, one was only six-months new, to this new city to start our livelihood from scratch, with heavy hearts far away from all familiar faces. It took me a couple of months to get used to life in the new city but I adapted. Slowly my kids adapted too.

Years passed, we upgraded from our bakery factory into the restaurant business. I had both my children going to one of the best school in the city. I wanted them to get better education than me under any circumstances. Amidst all those days of business going up and down, we made sure their education wasn’t hindered. Today, both my girls have completed their bachelors and are successfully working in their respective fields. And I’m sure they’ll pursue an even higher level of education soon, unlike their mother.

Big utensils, same big rice-cookers, lots of food and vegetables.
It is a nostalgia I’m living in here even after so many years
of leaving my born place.

My husband and I own a chain of restaurants now. I am a supervisor in the cafeteria of Manipal Teaching Hospital. I make sure the food provided in there is healthy. I overlook and take care of 70 staff members who help us run the business. I feed doctors and nurses nutritious food so they can take care of others. But even today, after all these years, whenever I go into the kitchen, I feel like a small kid peeking into the kitchen of my house. Big utensils, same big rice-cookers, lots of food and vegetables. It is a nostalgia I’m living in here even after so many years of leaving my born place. It’s sentimental how I see my regular customers as my family members sharing their food experiences. I listen to their compliments and grievances about our food. I answer them, “not everyone has the same taste, we’ll make sure to match up to yours next time,” like I’d answer to my in-laws back in my Kathmandu home.

I never thought I would be in a position of leadership, entrepreneurship, and independence as I am now. After I was married off so young, I thought my life would be spent inside the 4 walls of my house. But here I am, successfully leading an army of staff. I’m 52 now. If I have to define life, I’d say – Life is like a hot-and-sour soup. It’s filled with sweet and spicy memories together. You keep stirring and sipping it, once spoon at a time. At times I step back and appreciate the life I have today, blessed with a supportive husband and two aspiring girls. Aspired to become ‘spoilt’ women – their way to describe independent women these days.

***

Laxmi – a hindu goddess of wealth.
Jho-bhwe – a traditional feast where people sit on the floor and eat.
Dashain – a hindu festival.
Pokhara – a lake city in the western Nepal.

***

Photo Credit : Manila Tamrakar, Bikkil Sthapit

चीन र भारत मिलेर नेपाललाई खोक्रो बनाउन लागे झैं लाग्छ

लकडाउनको ५४औं दिनमा मैले ४ वटा पुस्तकहरु पढिसकें । लकडाउन नभएको भए हामी सबै साथीहरु जगिङ्ग जाने, घुम्ने योजना बनाएका थियौं । कोरोना भाईरसबाट बच्न लकडाउनमा बस्नु ठिक हो तर यो समयमा मलाई केही गर्न मन नलागेको जस्तो भएको थियो तर बीचमा फेरी केही गर्नुपर्छ जस्तो लागेर आयो । अनि चित्रहरु बनाउन थालें । त्यसपछि अलि जाँगर चल्न थाल्यो मैले डायरीहरु लेख्न थालें ।

मामाघरको हजुरबुबा बिरामी हुनु भएको कारण हामी लकडाउन सुरु हुनु भन्दा पहिला नै मामा घरमा जाने कुरा थियो । जाने भन्दाभन्दै लकडाउन भयो । यहि बीचमा हजुर बुबाको निधन भएको खबर आयो । लकडाउनको कारण हजुरबुबाको अन्तिम मुख र्हेर्न पनि पाएनौं । केही गरि हामी मामाघर गए पनि १४ दिन क्वारेन्टाईनमा बस्नु पर्ने भएकोले नजाने निर्णय ग¥यौं । ममीले हामी कसैलाई नछोई जुठो बार्नु भयो । त्यति बेला असाध्यै नरमाईलो लागेको थियो । यसो सोचें, क्वारेन्टाईन बस्नेहरु र उनीहरुको परिवारजनको हालत कस्तो हुँदो होला?

दिनभरी बस्दा धेरै काम गरे पनि हरेक दिन एकै खालको क्रियाकलाप हुन्थ्यो । जस्तै बिहान ढिला उठ्ने, पानी थाप्ने, खाना पकाउने १२ बजे तिर खाना खाने, लुडो खेल्ने, फिल्म हेर्ने अनि फेरी खाजा खाने, पढ्ने मोवाईल चलाउने आदी ।

अहिले मैले दिमागमा केही कुरा आयो कि लेखि हाल्ने गरेकी छु । मैले अहिलेसम्म एउटा कथा लेखें अनि मैले पढेका उपन्यासहरुबाट आफूले पनि नयाँ कथाको कल्पना गरेर उपन्यास लेख्ने कोशिस गरेकी छु ।

यस्तो अवस्थामा नेपालको सिमा मिचेको समाचारहरु पढें । सिमाना मिचिनु जस्तो घटना निकै नरमाईलो लागेको छ । लिपुलेक, कालापानी र सगरमाथा हाम्रो हो जस्ता कुराहरुले मेरो दिमाग घुमाउन थालेको छ । चीन र भारत दुवै मिलेर नेपाललाई खोक्रो बनाउन लागेको झैं लागी रहेको छ तर ३ जेठ २०७७ बिहानको समाचारले मलाई धेरै राम्रो लाग्यो । नेपालको राष्ट्रपतिले भने अनुसार अब नेपालको नयाँ नक्सा निर्माण हुने छ । नेपालको आफ्नै उपग्रह हेर्न पाउने कुराले निकै राम्रो लाग्यो । समाचार पढेपछि मेरो चिन्ता अलि कम भएको छ । के साँच्चै मेरो चिन्ता कम होला त?

धारणा श्रेष्ठ
कक्षा ९
कान्ति ईश्वरी रा.ल.मा.वि., प्याफल

३ जेठ २०७७

***

Today is the 54th day of the lockdown, and I have finished reading my 4th book. If there was no lockdown, my friends and I had plans of going for a jog and hanging out. It is wise to stay inside during the pandemic. For a while, I didn’t feel like doing anything but again, I realized that I should something creative. I started drawing and writing a diary.

My maternal grandfather was not keeping well even before the lockdown so we had plans of visiting him. Before we knew, there was a lockdown, and one day we were informed that he was no more. We weren’t even able to bid a final goodbye to him because of the lockdown. Even if we had gone, we would have had to stay in quarantine for 14 days then after. So, we decided not to go. My mother decided to mourn and she did without touching anyone of us. That time, I felt really bad.

Even though there was a lot to do in a day, it was very monotonous. We had the same routine every day. Like for example: wake up late, fetch water, cook food, eat lunch around 12 in the afternoon, play ludo, watch movies, eat, study, etc.

These days I have developed a habit of writing. I write it down if anything crosses my mind. After reading all those novels, it has really helped me to imagine. I began to picture my own story and now I am trying to write a story of my own.

Talks regarding Lipulekh, Kalapani, and Sagarmatha have really begun to bother me. I think that China and India together are trying to overpower Nepal but the news on Jestha 3, 2077 made me happy. According to our President Bidhya Devi Bhandari, Nepal will now have a new map. After this news update, I feel very good and less worried. Will it really help?

***

Menu @COVID19 times

By Pranika Koyu

She, my grand aunt, is in her mid seventies. I do not know her exact age. I can always ask her but she will not answer.

She got stuck in Nepal government’s out of blue and ill prepared whimsical imposition of lockdown to prevent COVID-19 transmission. Since early January, her children in Australia and USA had been asking her to return to Australia where her husband and families of three sons live. She turned deaf ears. I, the grand niece in Kathmandu, volunteered to be a go-between to try and convince her to hop on the plane and return. She was adamant. She has a long standing issue to resolve in Nepal and she is pretty clear that she will not return until this gets resolved.

She holds a provisional Australian PR which requires her to be in Australia for a substantive time of the year. This year, she has been in Nepal longer than planned and if she does not enter Australia by mid April, there are nominal chance of she getting a PR. This is one of the reason why her family wanted her to return to Australia by March end. However, on each reminder, she told us off with ‘I know all of that. I have it all scheduled.’ I am a non-interfering ‘it’s your choice’ and ‘don’t come to me later’ individual, therefore, I just watched on. Besides, if her family’s emphasis, and mercurial change in Australian government’s lockdown plan would not prompt her, my attempts to inform her would also not be listened to. It is not that I did not try. I did and I failed.

Since her return from Australia to Nepal, she had been staying as a paying guest with one family who none of us knew anything of. Therefore, seeing how her disinterest to return to Australia, I proposed that she stay with me for her remaining days in Nepal. It was a family’s understanding that this way, at least we will know her whereabouts. All sides were glad that she moved in two weeks prior to lock down. However, little did we all know that our grand aunt-niece relationship would be tested and that also in hot waters in a slow and steady temperature of COVID-19 lockdown.

Prior to lockdown, she would leave home early and come back in the evening. She would have eaten her breakfast and lunch outside. In the evening, she would eat whatever I would have prepared for all of us. Every evening, she would come back with a bagful of food. Initially, I politely told her that there is enough food already at home and it would be wise to eat them first. She ignored. The food supply continued.

Things got worse when the lockdown happened, and major part of it was set in the kitchen. My cooking cannot appeal everyone. My food easily tastes bland to many of us who like to use generous amount of spices, condiments and oil. Therefore, my grand aunt began to cook and though I had no problems with it, slowly issues around rationing, portion, sourcing of food – be it fresh or dried, or packed – began to emerge. I have always been viewed as the ‘frugal’ one by my family whenever I have stretched use of every substance that is in my possession, including food. Soon, I started to eat leftovers from each meal, silently fume over the rationing, and get appalled at she going out every morning to buy ‘fresh’ vegetables and meat. This was also amplified by the fact that another adult living with us – father of my child – has his own taste and was no better than my grand aunt. In the first week of lockdown, I witnessed polite struggle of these two with one other, in the kitchen. Interestingly, both of them had agreed (no words spoken here) that it should be these two who should cook.

By the second week of lock down, these two adults have come into terms with each other’s preference. It is only me who has not come into these terms. I, the one who has been eating leftovers of their large portions of each meal in the morning and evening. Till date, I have cooked only thrice, and I alone ate all of that over a course of three to four days. They did not even taste it. I cook only for my 45-month-old child who of course loves my plain cooking.

They must be happy with their power to be able to shop, cook and eat what they want.

My efforts for judicious use of every food in the kitchen has gone down the drain, and my meticulously packed plastic packages are vanishing fast because they use it as a garbage bin. My attempts to compost fruit peels, egg shells, vegetable peels, etc. have been completely ignored and messed up. In all of this, I stand helpless while I seethe. I tried raising this with them only to meet dead pan expressions, be ignored or unpleasant shouting match at times. Then I decided not to raise this anymore because these are adults who are as opinionated as I am, and in a time where anything can trigger a range of emotions, I have chosen to ‘tolerate’. I eat whatever they cook, and make silent note of their rationing comparing them with how it would have been different in my handling.

So, while I am in this dejected kitchen mood, how do you think they fare? They must be happy with their power to be able to shop, cook and eat what they want. One would like to think. Maybe they are. Or maybe they are not. I have refused to eat by their side in fear that I might snap. So, my silence amplifies to them as scorn, a rebuke. My singular eating of meals is offensive to them. They would rather have me voice it out which I have stopped doing. So, are they enjoying their meal? I don’t know.

***

कसैको लागि म किन परिवर्तन हुने?

जब कोभिड १९ संक्रमणको रोकथामका लागि अफिसले हामीलाई घर बसेर काम गर्ने भन्ने जानकारी दियो तब मलाई थाहा थियो कि मेरो घरको वातावरणले गर्दा म घरमा बसेर काम गर्न सक्दिन । अफिसले घर बसेर काम गर्ने भने पनि नजिकै त हो म त अफिस नै गएँर काम गर्छु भन्ने सोचेको थिए । साथिहरुले घरबाट काम गर्दा मैले २ दिन छुट्टी भनेर क्यालेण्डरमा लेखि सकेको थिए । पछिको एक दिन अफिसमै गएँर काम गरे तर सोमबार २३ मार्च २०२० देखि जब सरकारले नै लकडाउन भनेर घोषणा गर्यो त्यसपछि अब म एक्लै अफिस गएँर काम गर्ने बाटो पनि बन्द भयो । सबै साथिहरुले घरबाट काम गर्ने भनेर ल्यापटप घर लग्दा मैले लगेको थिईन तर अब त जे भए पनि ल्याउनै पर्ने भयो लकडाउन भएको साँझ अफिस गएँर ल्यापटप लिन गएँ । भोलीपल्ट देखि आफ्नो जिम्मामा रहेका अफिसको काम र मेरो आफ्नै थेसिसको काम विस्तारै गर्ने कोशिश गरेँ। ।

यसरी मैले सबैको ख्याल राख्दा र कसको आवश्यकता के हो र उनीहरुले म बाट के चाहान्छन? भन्दै गर्दा मैले मेरो आवश्यकता के हो? र म के चाहान्छु भनेर मेरो दिनगमा कहिल्यै सोच्ने फुर्सद नै भएन

लकडाउन सकिने भन्दा पनि थपिँदै जाने क्रम बढ्दै गयो । मेरो अफिसको जिम्मेवारी एक ठाउँमा थियो त्यो संगै म घरको लागि एक आमा, एक बुहारी र एक श्रीमती थिएँ मैले कुनै एक पक्षको मात्र जिम्मेवारी पुरा गरेर हुँदैन थियो । आमा भएको कारण छोराको आवश्यकता र उसले आमाबाट पाउनु पर्ने कुनै पनि अधिकार म बञ्चित गर्न सक्दिनथे । बुहारी भएको कारण घर देखि बाहिर आफन्त नातेदारहरु सम्मको ख्याल गर्न मैले भुल्नै भएन । श्रीमतीको त भन्नै परेन । यसरी मैले सबैको ख्याल राख्दा र कसको आवश्यकता के हो र उनीहरुले म बाट के चाहान्छन? भन्दै गर्दा मैले मेरो आवश्यकता के हो? र म के चाहान्छु भनेर मेरो दिनगमा कहिल्यै सोच्ने फुर्सद नै भएन ( सोच आउँदै नआएको त होईन तर मैले जति कोशिश गर्दा पनि मैले प्राथमिकतामा राख्न सकिंन) । मैले खाली आफूलाई घरभित्र र घरका मान्छेको वरीपरि मात्र सिमित बनाईरहे ।

अलिकती समय भयो भने सामाजिक संजाल हेर्थे । मेरा साथिहरुले लकडावनमा मैले यसो गरे, यस्तो नयाँ काम गरे, यस्तो सिकें, यति वटा किताब पढें भनेर पोष्ट गरेको देख्दा म आफूलाई शून्यमा पाउँथे। मैले केही गर्न सकिन जस्तो लाग्थ्यो । मैले केही गर्न सकिन भन्ने समय नै मसँग कहाँ हुन्थ्यो र? एकछिन सोच्यो अनि फेरी उही दैनिकीमा फर्कियो तर मेरो मनमा मैले आफ्नो जिवनमा धेरै सम्झौता गरेर अगाडि बढेको छु भन्ने लागि रहन्थ्यो ।

लकडाउन लम्बिदै जाँदा मेरा साथिहरु बिस्तारै अब त घर बस्ने बानी पर्यो भन्दैथे । मलाई चाही बिस्तारै घरको बसाई अत्यास लाग्दो बन्दै गएँको भान भईरहेको थियो । मेरा साथिहरुले जस्तै गरि मैले पनि घरको बसाईलाई सहज पार्नै सकिन । मेरा साथिहरुलाई पढ्ने, आर्ट गर्ने, योगा गर्ने, नयाँ परिकार पाकाउने, विभिन्न रिसर्च गर्ने, बानी परेको थियो । मलाई भने परिवारका सदस्यको टाईमटेवलको बानी परेको थियो । घरको कामको चापले अफिसको कामहरु समयमा पुरा गर्न नसक्दा मलाई एकदम धेरै पीडा हुन्थ्यो ।

लकडाउन अगाडीका अफिसका दिनहरुमा मेरी सासु शनिवार र आईतवार मेरो अर्थात वहाँको आरामको दिन हो, र हफ्ताका यी दुइ दिन घर सम्बन्धी जिम्मेवारी वहाँकि बुहारी अर्थात मैले गर्नुपर्छ भन्नुहुन्थ्यो र समय त्यसरी नै बिताउनुहुन्थ्यो। ति दुई दिन वहाँले जसरी काम गर्नु हुन्थ्यो, आराम गर्नु हुन्थ्यो म पनि त्यही चाहन्थें। हप्तामा दुईदिन उहाँलाई चाहिन्छ भनेर सोच्थे, त्यसैले ति दिनमा म छोरालाई आफूसँगै राख्थे तर लकडाउन पछि मेरी सासुको लागि सबै दिन शनिवार र आईतवार भएको थियो । मेरो श्रीमानकी हजुरआमा यो बिचमा केही दिनको लागि हामीकहाँ बस्न आउनु भएको थियो । मलाई लाग्छ मैले उहाँ प्रति निर्वाह गर्नु पर्ने मानमर्यादा सत्कार सबै दायित्वहरू पुरा गरेकी थिए जस्तो लाग्छ तर वहाँलाई मेरो ख्याल गर्ने तरिका मनपरेको जस्तो लागेन । उहाँ मसँग सन्तुष्टि हुनु भन्दा पनि मैले अफिसको काम गरिरहदा घरमा बसेर के काम हुन्छ अफिसको? अरू बुहारीको त घरबाट गर्ने काम हुँदैन त? ( मेरो काका ससुराको बुहारी जो बैंकमा काम गर्छिन् । ) तिम्रो चाही के काम हुन्छ? काका ससुराको बुहारी र मलाई दाँज्न थाल्नुभयो । उहाँको बुझाईमा म त काम चोर बुहारी जस्तो पो भयो । म कसरी बुझाउन सक्थे कि अर्की बुहारीको बैकमा पैसा गन्ने काम घरबाट हुन्न भनेर । पछि यति सम्म भन्नुभयो कि मेरो अफिसको अनलाईन मिटिङ्ग हुँदा के मिटिङ्ग हो त्यो गफ गरेर हाँसेर बस्ने मिटिङ्ग भन्न पो थाल्नु भयो। वहाँको यस्तो टिप्पणीले घरका मान्छेलाई पनि कता कता बुहारीको केही काम हुन्न कि जस्तो भान पर्नु स्वभावीकै हो । मलाई एक त घरको कामको चाप अर्को उहाँले चियोचर्चो गरि भनेका शब्द मेरा लागि वाण जस्तै लाग्न थाले । मेरो कमलो मनले फेरी एक पटक आफूलाई मात्र सोचिन तर वहाँले मभन्दा राम्रो भनेकी बुहारी साँच्चै म भन्दा राम्री छिन् तर के उनी म भन्दा सन्तुष्टि छिन त? उनीले पनि मैले जस्तै अरुलाई खुशी बनाउँदा बनाउँदा आफूलाई सम्झिराखेकीछिन कि बिर्सिन होलिन? ओहो, उनीलाई सम्झेर मलाई डरलाग्यो। उनका मनमा पनि सायद अशान्ति र मेरो जस्तै पीडाका पोका होलान् तर कसलाई भन्ने? मैले उनीसँग कुरा गर्नु पर्छ जस्तो लागि राखेको छ । उनीसँग त कुरा गरौला तर उनी र म जस्ता कति बुहारीले आफ्नो पीडाको पोका फुकाउन पाएका छैनन् होला? सोच्दा नै अत्यास लाग्छ ।

घरमा यस्ता स–साना टिप्पणी हुँदै जाँदा मलाई कताकता उकुसमुकुस भए जस्तो लाग्यो । मैले श्रीमानलाई सेयर गरे उसले यस्ता कुरा सुन्नु हुन्न एक कानले सुन्ने अर्को कानले उडाउने अहिले हाम्रो सुन्ने पालो हो हाम्रो पालो आउँछ अनि भनौंला भन्यो । मेरो कामको बारेमा पहिले पनि कुरा हुने गर्थ्यो र पहिले पनि उसले यस्तै भन्थ्यो । त्यती बेला त म अफिस जान्थें, साथिहरुसँग भेट्थें, साथिहरुसँग कुरा सेयर गर्थे, केही हल्का हुन्थ्यो। नयाँ काममा लाग्थें। बेलुका घर जाँदा यी सबै कुरा भुलेको हुन्थ्यो र ति सब दिनहरूमा यस्ता कुरा सायद मलाई सहज भएको थियो । तर अहिले त्यस्तो छैन – घरको चार पर्खाल भित्र हामी बन्दि जो भएका छौं । बन्दमा मेरो मनका चोट र भावना सबै बन्द भएको छ जसले मलाई भित्रभित्रै पोलिरहेछ ।

यो बिचमा मेरो छोरा बिरामी भयो। छोरा बिरामी भएको कारण मैले राम्रोसँग उसको ख्याल नगरेकोले हो जस्ता कुरा मलाई अपत्यक्ष रुपमा थाहा दिइयो। छोराको बाबुले यस्तो आरोप खेप्नु परेन तर आमाले बच्चा बिरामी भएको कारक बन्नु पर्यो र यसो हुँदा आमाको मन कत्ति पोल्यो होला? यो सब एक आमाले मात्र बुझ्न सक्छिन् । छोरा बिरामी भएको आरोप आफूले खप्नुपर्दा मेरो मन भित्रको पोलाई भित्र मात्र बस्न सकेन र बाहिर नै निस्कियो ।

एक दिन अफिसको मिटिङ्ग थियो। मिटिङ्गको विषय हामीले घर बसेर के क्रिएटिभ काम गरिरहेका छौ? मैले सबै साथिहरुको क्रिएटिभ काम खुब चाख मानेर सुनें र मलाई एक प्रकारको आनन्द पनि आईरहेको थियो तर जतिबेला मेरो बोल्ने पालो आयो तब म बोल्नै सकिन मेरो मुखबाट बोली फुट्नुको साटो आँखाबाट आँशु बग्यो। यो के भयो? म आफै दङ्ग गरे । मेरो मुखबाट एक शब्द पनि निस्केन र मैले च्याटमा म अहिले बोल्दिन लेखें । पछि मैले धेरै सोचें कि मलाई के भएको छ, र आफैले पत्ता लगाउने कोशिस गरेँ। शायद मलाई अफिसको साथिहरुमा आफ्नोपन भेटें होला त्यसैले म होईन मेरो मन रोयो भन्ने निर्कषमा पुगें ।

हामी बाहिर जति कुरा गरे पनि परिवर्तनको भाषण गरे पनि आखिरमा हाम्रो घर परिवारले हामीबाट खोज्ने भनेको एक ‘संस्कारी’ बुहारी नै रहेछ।

पछि, साथिहरुले छुट्टाछुट्टै फोन गर्दै सोध्न थाले। साथिहरुलाई चिन्ता लाग्नु स्वाभाविकै थियो तर मलाई भने एक प्रकारको लाज लाग्यो। साथिहरुसँग कुरा गरे पछि मलाई अलि मन शान्त भए जस्तो लाग्यो । हामीले स–सानो कुरा भनेर वास्ता नगर्दा यसले हाम्रो मनमा कति ठुलो रुप लिदो रहेछ भन्ने बलियो प्रमाण म आफैले आफैबाट बुझें । पहिल्यै श्रीमानले यो सानो कुरा त हो वास्ता नगर पछि ठिक हुन्छ भनेर नभनि मेरो कामको बारेमा भनिदिएको भए, ससुराले वहाँकी आमाको, काका ससुराको घरमा जाँदा मैले काम गर्न सक्दिन भनेर घरमा काम छ जाउ घरबाट फोन आयो भनेर झुठ बोलेर घर पठाउनुको साटो मैले धेरै काम गर्न सक्दिन, र उसको अरु काम पनि छ भनेर पठाएको भए सायद मैले आज यो दिन देख्न पर्दैनथ्यो वा यस्तो भोग्न पर्देनथ्यो कि? भनेजस्तो भएको छ।

अहिले मेरो मनमा एक प्रकारको नमिठो अनुभुती भईरहेको छ । हामी बाहिर जति कुरा गरे पनि परिवर्तनको भाषण गरे पनि आखिरमा हाम्रो घर परिवारले हामीबाट खोज्ने भनेको एक ‘संस्कारी’ बुहारी नै रहेछ। उहाँहरुको नजरमा संस्कारी बु्हारी कस्तो हो? त्यो हामी सबैलाई थाहा छ । वास्तवमा मैले यो समयमा आफ्नो हैसियत के हो? र मलाई कुन हैसियत कसले कसरी दिदो रहेछ भन्ने थाहा पाउने मौका भने राम्रैसँग पाएको छु । त्यसैले गर्दा हो, मलाई अहिले खासै कुनै आफन्तहरुसँग नजिक हुन मन लाग्दैन । जस्तै सामान्य कुरा मेरी काकी सासुहरु मेरो घरमा आफ्नो घरमा पाकेको खाना लिएर आउनु हुन्छ, मेरो सासुलाई पनि केही पकाएर दिने मन हुन्छ र मलाई पनि दिनु पर्छ जस्तो लागेको थियो तर मैले म र मेरो कामको बारेमा वहाँहरूको टिप्पणी जसरी सुनें त्यस पश्चात मलाई केही दिन नि मन छैन र उनीहरुले पनि नगरोस् जस्तो लाग्छ । म जे छु जस्तो छु म ठिक छु कोही कसैको लागि म किन परिवर्तन हुने जस्तो लाग्छ । बिस्तारै आफ्नो समयको व्यवस्थापन गर्न, आफ्नोबारेमा सोच्न थाल्नुकासाथै दिनमा किताबको एक पाना मात्र भए पनि पढ्ने गरेको छु ।

कोभिड-१९ को एक महिनाको यो यर्थाथ अनुभुती हो। यसपछि अब के हुने हो, संसारलाई थाहा छैन । साच्चै मरिन्छ की के हो जस्तो गरि मन आत्तिएको बेला मैले गर्नु परेका यो अनुभुतीले कतै मलाई शारिरीक रुपमा त कमजोर बनाउने होईन भन्ने जस्तो पनि बेलाबेलामा लाग्छ । तर म एउटै कुरालाई धेरै मनमा नखेलाउने र हरेक कुरालाई सकारात्मक तरिकाले सोच्ने गर्छु त्यहि भएर असहजता पनि सहजतातिर बढी कुदीरहेको जस्ता लाग्छ । यो सब हुँदा पनि जब मेरो छोरा मेरा काखमा आउँछ म सब पीडा भुल्छु। उसलाई छातीमा टाँस्दा संसारको खुशी हामी आमा छोरासँग छ जस्तो लाग्छ । कहिलेकाहीं म एकदम डराउँछु सोचेर कि कतै छोरालाई मेरो ममतामा कमी हुने त होइन? अरुलाई मैले निर्वाह गरेको भुमिकामा कमिको महशुस गरेपनि मेरो छोराले मेरो ममताको कमी महशुस नभेटोस् भन्ने लाग्छ। सबै दुःख हरण गर्ने मेरो छोरा मात्र यो लकडाउनको मेरो एक मात्र साथि बनेको छ ।

***

7 lock-down portraiture by Jyoti Shrestha

Lockdown feels like a challenge to me, to click more pictures.

I love photographs and this time, I’ve been trying to click what’s around me.

I also gave workshop on ’10 things to photograph at home’ and currently working for a project based on menstrual hygience. Rest of the time, I’m busy with my Master’s online classes and assignments. Here are my 7 photos that you can also relate to yourself during this locked-down days.

Jyoti Shrestha is working and living in Kathmandu, Nepal. Social Work Graduate and doing her Masters in Entrepreneurship, she likes storytelling through photographs whether its a personal project or a gig. Until now, Shrestha exhibited in Kaalo 101, Nepal Communitere, and Photo Circle.

Follow her works on Behance.net/ztstha or ztstha on Instagram.

All Photos copyrighted to Jyoti Shrestha.

***

One day, will it disappear like a miracle?

My lockdown started from 23 May, a day before the official lockdown started. We were already going under self – isolation and had decided to work from home until the situation of COVID-19 calms down. I wasn’t really happy with the decision as I didn’t have much to do staying at home and I knew that I would be doing more of my household work instead of my office work. But we didn’t have any other choice. I didn’t take the lockdown that seriously, not in the sense that this virus is not dangerous but I wasn’t expecting millions of deaths in the world. It is really disappointing to see the so called leaders doing absolutely nothing other than talking bullshits and expanding this lockdown and having no plans on what to do next. It’s really hard to avoid news about corona virus and it’s information as it has flooded the internet.

“It is not a good quality for a woman to get up after the sun rises”

My lockdown days started like every other day. I would get up, do puja, cook, eat and do the dishes. I would have some free time but then I was too confused on what to do as I had only a couple of hours for myself and I would have to start making dinner again. We have 6 cows and my mum is busy working in the cowshed, my dad gets busy with gardening and farm work. I am the only one left at home. I started drawing, gardening and planting flowers, whenever I was free. Watching movies and listening to music has always been the thing I do while working and they’ve been very helpful for me to get engaged with the works.

Getting up early has always been one of the most difficult things for me and unfortunately my parents hate it. They keep scolding me for not being able to do puja before the sun rises. “It is not a good quality for a woman to get up after the sun rises”, they always say.

I really don’t understand why traditional Nepali parents don’t think doing puja and cooking as a job. They think it’s something that takes least effort or no effort at all. I spend my whole morning doing this everyday but have never been appreciated for it. It kinda sucks that you spend your time doing something and people don’t even acknowledge it.

My family started treating me bad and verbally abusing me for not being able to work hard. I ended up locking myself in my room for days, not talking with anybody at my home and not working at all. During this lockdown I have been happy, sad, mad, broken, disappointed, depressed, frustrated, excited, lost. In other words, I have felt emotions that I never felt before. I’ve realized how important it is to spend some time with your own self and understand things that other people don’t understand. I’ve been drawing, listening to music, talking with loved ones and walking into nature to revive myself. I fall and I rise and I’m happy that I’ve been able to live my life. I’ve also been feeling lucky that I live in a place where I can breathe fresh air and wake up with the sounds of birds chirping outside my balcony. I also feel lucky to have a family, a family that doesn’t understand me at all, but at least I have a family. I also feel grateful to have someone who loves and supports me and wouldn’t let me go despite my trauma induced stupidity and the chaos that comes with it.

This virus would disappear and of course all the negative viruses in humans if possible.

Having random chats with friends and extended families has also helped me. I also really like having meetings with my colleagues even though internet connection is terrible and I don’t hear half of the conversations we make. It has been very helpful that we have been able to continue doing some work during this pandemic.

Once I watched one of Trump’s videos where he says,” One day it’ll disappear like a miracle.” I don’t really like him but I really hope this wish comes true, this virus would disappear and of course all the negative viruses in humans if possible. This thing might have brought chaos and turned the world upside down but it has also made us affectionate towards other beings. A lot of us have started empathizing and caring about other people. It is also a shame that we humans have to go through hard times to know how important it is for us to stay together with love and care.

***