At 43 I can finally say that life is comfortable now. I am pleased with what has become of me and what I chose to make of my existence. Life was not always like this though, it was sometimes very rough, arduous and mostly cruel. There were many nights when I slept with growling tummy and empty soul. My biggest dream was to be able to manage two meals a day and the dread of not being able to do so was the recurring nightmare I was living with.
I was just a newborn when my parents passed away, ever since it has been my two sisters, a brother and me. I was born and raised in Ilam, most of my days were spent in the fields, collecting woods from the jungle and taking a new role of a vegetable vendor. When people my age were playing games and making memories, I was confronted with what we call ‘life’ with it’s many tests.
During my late teens there was this feeling I experienced, which was named ‘love’. I must confess that it indeed is a strong feeling, it had me leave behind whatever little I had or I thought was mine. At the age of 19, I fell for a man, in love I eloped with him to Kathmandu. Contrary to my belief in having gone through much in life, I felt lost in this big city.
Marriage was just another thing that happened, I was not expecting much but it was a little disturbing to know that I was his second wife. Nothing was solely mine, him, his love, presence or even his earnings. I never grieved my situation, probably the benefits of growing up in dire scarcity. There was nothing new about this life, just a change in location and a realization of the fact that I now had someone to call my ‘husband’. I was living a life of adversity, ever since I realized I had to take care of myself. Scarcities make you very strong, what mattered was that my survival instincts are stronger than ever now.
In Kathmandu initially I worked at a carpet factory in Jorpati with arduous setting and minimal wages. I worked seventeen hours a day just to buy food for my family, only to survive a day. It still was not sufficient to feed my family. I had to play many roles, of a mother, wife, bread winner and a pitiful worker. I worked all kinds of jobs, manual labor, at a garment factory, collecting wood,  selling them.
When I first became a mother I went to my house at Ilam thinking it would bring me some relief and post natal care. Instead I was loaded with chores which made me sick at the end of the day. I could not tolerate the work load and moved back to Kathmandu in after a few weeks.
As human beings it is in our nature to fight our odds, feel commotions of different nature and fight for what takes us further in our evolution. It is slightly different in the case of women because we can not always just think of our life, we have many biological and socio-cultural roles to play.

It is when I had my child is when I wished I was born a man. I wanted to be as free as my husband who could marry as many times as he wanted, loiter like it was his job, with no sense of shame or responsibility. He was free like a bird with no one wondering what he was doing, where has he been or what his responsibilities as a father were.

I was now emotionally and mentally drained. I accepted that he was always going to be the husband of his first wife and father of the kids born out of that relationship. I looked around and felt lost and lonely, worried about how I was going to be the sentinel of my son.
It is strange how men are always correct and have all the social rights in favor of all that they do, even in their promiscuous endeavors. It is stranger that the families, society and the world in general agrees to this inhuman discrimination in the name of patriarchy.
I was in awe of this disparity our society has laid its foundation upon, the classification that has made people believe that we are second class citizens. I wished I were a man. I wished I could be free.
Much later in life I felt like I had to do something for myself, something that made me feel good. I realized that working at a carpet factory or for others will never let me grow. I started making smaller saving out of the small income I made and it took me several years to make it to just Rs 15,000. Though it was a small amount it was enough to carve a new direction for my children and me and eventually change our lives.
It started with a shop in Dallu that where we sold cosmetic goods, for the next five years we survived on the income we made from there. After a while I was told to vacate the space and with a lot of effort I reestablished my shop in Khusibun. Unfortunately, I had to close my shop due to bad business.
I then decided to start an eatery, which looked like the only lucrative option in the area. However, I did not know how to cook chowmein or what food could I sell. So for first few weeks I visited different eateries to try out their chowmein and look at what they sell and how they do it.
I had sold my shop and was left with a mere amount of 10,000 NRS to start my life yet again. The trouble this time was that I did not know a thing about cooking. Sometimes the food was undercooked and sometimes overcooked and unappetizing.
Today I run my eatery and am living a comfortable life. I eat what I like, wear what feels good on my skin and travel with friends and people who matter to me.
Both my sons decided not to continue their studies after the primary level. I tried convincing them that education was important but they wouldn’t listen. Just like my journey, they have their’s and I know I have nurtured them well enough to make their own decisions.
Apart from being an orphan, I was illiterate and uneducated which definitely reduced my changes of living a comfortable life. However, I did my best to introduce my sons to a life that would not be as harsh as mine, I put them in school hoping they will make the best out of it.  My younger son is already in Dubai and the elder one is processing his visa to migrate to Dubai.
My childhood was brittle and unpromising, the only option I had was to be hard working. Without even realizing, it had become my principle and belief. I never went to school but I got my most important lessons out of living my life. Money, sense of fulfillment and pride in materialistic gains are impermanent but self respect stays as the real pride and honor.

I live each moment with a sense of satisfaction that these have been my experiences and I derive my strength from the belief I have in hard work and honesty. I am proud of what has become of me today.